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Ask Sir Edric Anything - And I did!

Today, I’m joined by Sir Edric, pretty much my favourite Un-PC knight. Boringly, his new book is out today on special offer at 99p (lots of links below), and I guess that's what I was supposed to ask about (it's ace, by the way, but I should know since I beta-read it and fixed all Edric's dodgy bits), but instead I took the chance to ask Sir Edric Anything, and I went for all the burning questions we need to know.

Jo: You’ve had a long (what age are you, by the way?) and busy life. What would you select as the highlight of your existence to date?

Sir Edric: I’m in the prime of my life, that happy apex where youthful vigour encounters manly experience. Undoubtedly the highlight would be escaping my wife’s lethal clutches, although I suppose other people would mention the Battle of Hornska. I saved the entire world of men and elves from enslavement (and enlunchment) to the Ursk. Sadly, there’s a shockingly small number of statues to me…

Jo: Some storytellers make up their monstrous creatures. You actually get to meet yours! Apart from your wife, what’s the most fearsome creature you’ve tackled to date?

Sir Edric: To be fair, I never actually tackled Esmerelda so much as mounted a successful retreat. But of those I’ve slain there have been a few impressive ones. The episode of the greatest is recounted in my biography’s latest volume, so I can’t spoil that or the scribe will whine for days about spoilers. Killing the basilisk was quite impressive. Imagine a snake longer than a ship and taller than a human, covered in feathers, with a gaze that can turn a man to stone and venomous breath. I dropped a chandelier on its head and the trapped beast was polished off by my manservant and an enraged cyclopian nun.

Jo: Something I’ve always wondered about - where did you meet Dog and how did such a faithful, talented and - dare I say it? - good looking servant acquire such a master?

Sir Edric: Yes, yes, don’t overdo it. He’s a useful peasant, but still just a peasant. Anyway, I inherited him from my uncle, to whose service he was sworn. The aforementioned relative died in a freak llama accident, and the contract of Dog (although he went by another name then, but it was too refined for a manservant) passed to me.

Jo: Stallion or filly? Is there a horse for every occasion?

Sir Edric: Generally, I prefer female horses. Not sure why. Temper, Twenty-Six, Hamilton’s Trousers, all my best coursers are female. The only real exception is Moloch, my warhorse (and a full-blown psychopath). Naturally, Moloch’s only unleashed for proper warfare, mostly I ride Temper. For servile duties (carrying baggage) I have my rounceys, Churl and Humpy. Horses are much like people (though better at keeping secrets, and more obedient), and are suited for different things. Destriers for war, coursers for long journeys, rounceys for menial work.

Jo: What is it with you and Elves? Most people like the pointy-eared wonders. Do you have history there?

Sir Edric: People? You can’t trust the judgement of the peasantry. As for elves, they’re arrogant, unhelpful, treacherous and full of themselves. Their high regard is a triumph of style over substance, of silver tongues and black hearts. They’re like a whole race of Tony Blairs (only more attractive, obviously).

Jo: You’ve been a man of power. What would be your most useful tip for those seeking to lead others and demand their devotion?

Sir Edric: Most people want to be led. Avoid doing anything stupid and they’ll mostly nod along and follow you. But remember that when someone’s right behind you they’re in the perfect position to stab you in the back.

Jo: Best shag you ever had? And, on another note, most memorable?

Sir Edric: *raises an eyebrow* Aren’t we forward? Lady Honeybush, and her sister, were very accommodating, although I did have to vacate the premises via the window when her husband came home early…  Most memorable would be Ganska Gro-Braful, even though I was blotto as a fairy in a whisky bottle. NB: never shag an Ursk. I was damned lucky my pelvis wasn’t reduced to dust.

Jo: On the finer things in life - favourite vintage? And, your tips for storing sufficient quantities for long journeys?

Sir Edric: Depends on the tipple. Iollian amber wine from about 35 years old is fine. Andelic brandy is better the older it is (never bad, of course, but find a bottle two centuries old and it’ll rock your socks, explode your trousers, and generally wreck the wardrobe entirely). The advantage of horses carrying so much makes it easier to ensure supplies don’t run out.

Jo: An ethical question now. You commune with human-eaters. What makes such an invigorating end-prospect to that friendship work? How do you maintain that tricky balance?

Sir Edric: Commune? You mean with Orff? That’s a fancy word for saying we often go to the pub together. Besides, he’d never eat me. He prefers youngsters. I’ve never understood the aversion to being friends with Ursk. Damned good way to reduce the number of beggars and prisoners. He gets asked the same question about me (given I slew so many of his countrymen at Hornska). But Orff’s a fine fellow, and so am I, so why should we let man-eating or Ursk-slaying get in the way?

Jo: Lastly, your latest adventure is out for us all to read! What do we have to look forward to in this episode?

Sir Edric: As you may be aware, the US, the UK, and other minor nations are currently facing a crisis of incompetent leadership. Fortunately, my own role governing Awyndel will inspire confidence and remind readers how a real leader acts. Even if his hands are tied by a bedridden backseat driver of a king… Ahem.

In Sir Edric’s Kingdom, I heroically defend my ailing monarch from conspiracy and assassins, thwart invasions and selflessly foster warmer relations with the daughter of the King of Andelias. Marvel as I contend with all manner of traitors and monsters. And pointy-eared pillocks.

Portals for Procuring Sir Edric’s Kingdom: